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| “ | "Silly Old Bear... If the harbinger of spring is the sound of a bat on a ball, then I have become the harbinger of winter; a barren and desolate spot your bat will never hit. As my ball strikes the padded glove with the disgruntled furl of thirty thousand fans trudging out of the arena, watching as you throw down your bat in disgust and mourn what you'll never be, know this: you will never defeat me, Pooh Bear. Not as long as you or I will live." | „ |
| ~ Christopher Robin |
| “ | They will never tell stories of your greatness, or herald you as the second coming of Pitch Hittus. There are one hundred and eight stitches in every ball, Pooh-Bear. How many do you think I can get in your face? Silly old bear... Silly old bear... | „ |
| ~ Christopher Robin |
Summary
The forums are extended gutters and the gutters are full of salty tears and when the drains finally scab over, all the tryhards will drown. The accumulated filth of all their ego and boasting will foam up about their waists and all of /v/ and /sp/ will look up and shout 'HAVE MERCY!'...and Christopher Robin will look down and whisper 'No.'
Powers and Stats
Tier: Silly Old Wiki...
Name: Christopher Robin
Origin: Winnie the Pooh's Home Run Derby
Gender: Pain
Age: Suffering
Classification: Eldritch Abomination, Harbinger of Winter, Final Boss of the Internet
Powers and Abilities: Superhuman Physical Characteristics, Argument Invalidation, Weapon Mastery, Reality Warping, Darkness Manipulation and Time Manipulation (Can use the power of darkness and distort time itself) Fire Manipulation (With Flaming Baseballs) Electricity Manipulation (With Lightning Baseballs), Telepathy, Fouth Wall Awareness (Continuously mocks the player for their pathetic attempt at defeating him), Madness Manipulation (Drove Pooh insane, and many players too), Size Manipulation, Body Control (Can extend his neck to get in your face and mock you more), Pain Manipulation (No need to elaborate on this one), Physics Manipulation (Can throw baseballs in impossible ways), Danmaku (Capable of throwing dozens of baseballs at once), Abstract Existence, Beyond-Dimensional Existence, Soul Manipulation (Stole Poohs Soul and yours as well), Invisibility (With Invisiballs), Fear Manipulation (His name inspires fear in all who hear it), Morality Manipulation (Facing him will turn even the most good natured people into anger driven maniacs after only a few attempts), Age Manipulation (The stress caused by fighting him will age you 10 years in mere hours), Mathematics Manipulation, Animal Manipualtion (All residents of the 100 Acre Woods are his creations), Power Bestowal (Gave power to all the previous pitchers), Subjective Reality, Probability Manipulation, Multiple Selves (Swarmed Poohs face with multiple versions of himself just to fuck with him), Unholy Manipulation, Chaos Manipulation, Bad Time Manipulation (Self explanatory really), Meme Physiology and Meme Power, SBA Manipulation (You will always be fighting him in baseball, there is no other choice), Death of the Author Abuse (There is no way the developers intended for this madness), Author Takeover, Scary Physiology
Attack Potency: At least Instant Regret, likely Please Kill Me (Stated to have endless imagination. His power level is beyond calculation. Humbled and then broke even the most skilled tryhards on 4Chan. Eldritch Abominations such as Tigger and Owl are mere aspects of his being. Created dozens of galaxy sized baseballs. Trapped Pooh in a timeless void where he took his soul and then yours too. You yourself are just a figment of his imagination, trapped in his horrific reality. He is so powerful that he doesn't even view himself as a challenge)
Speed: You missed already (He already threw the ball before you could even react)
Lifting Strength: Beyond Incalculable (Carried the blood, sweat, and tears of every /v/ user)
Striking Strength: Beyond Creation Destroying (Can casually throw so hard that it creates a nuclear blast behind him. The impacts caused by his baseballs are powerful enough to destroy planets and even stars. Hurled multiple galaxy sized baseballs in one of his many battles with Pooh)
Durability: At least This is Impossible, likely I Give Up (Battled countless Poohs across the multiverse without any sign of damage done to him)
Stamina: Only stops when you do
Range: No one is safe from him, ever
Standard Equipment: Baseballs, Your Soul
Intelligence: One might say that he is highly intelligent. After 8 years of study at Yale (He was accepted at 14), He graduated with his master's in law and immediately joined a firm that paid about $80,000 per year. He worked there for 10 years until he left, even getting a partnership. He felt that it was time to leave when his boss wouldn't let him take control of the firm. He quit and became a professor of Organic Chemistry at Stanford, even though he had never studied that subject. That is where he currently works, and he is not worried about the money, because he has a patent for a device that has made him hundreds of thousands of dollars. And yes, he does watch Rick and Morty, he legitimately has gained 10 IQ points since he has started watching, bringing it up to ∞+10.
Weaknesses: He will occasionally take pity on your pathetic existence and show just a tiny bit of mercy by throwing an Eeyore pitch giving you a free hit, however this might just end up working in his favor since he could catch you off guard, causing you to miss instead
Feats:
- Casually created infinite baseballs through sheer willpower
- Battled numerous experienced Twitch Streamers for hours before letting them win out of pity
- Brought 4Chan Tryhards to their knees
- Trapped Pooh in a dimension of absolute torment for several eternities
- Made Dark Souls players cry for mercy
- Created a world of suffering where every layer gets increasingly horrific
- Shed his physical body to become an abstract being of pure terror
- Became so notorious for his difficulty that streamers continue to play his game even to this day
- Battled Kirby and probably won
- Ripped out your hopes and dreams and ate them right in front of you
- Theorized to have created God Shaggy
Notable Attacks/Techniques:
- Bouncing Balls: Christopher Robin throws an extremely fast ball at the ground which repeatedly bounces without any loss of momentum because Christopher Robin ate momentum for breakfast last Tuesday.
- Invisiballs: Christopher Robin deletes the concept of light because he can, then he throws a ball that just disappears in mid air to make you suffer more.
- Zig Zag Balls: Christopher Robin murders the laws of physics just to spite you for thinking you could hit 40 ball, then he throws a balls that just zig zags for some fucking reason.
- Speed Balls: Christopher Robin kills Isaac Newton, default dances over his body, then throws a ball that speeds up AFTER he throws it because fuck you.
- Normal Pitch: Christopher takes mercy on your pathetic existence and gently throws a ball in a straight line.
- Taking Your Soul: Christopher Robin throws a baseball, then he just takes your soul because he can and there's nothing you can do about it.
Others
Notable Victories:
Winnie the Pooh
Babe Ruth
/v/
/sp/
Streamers
Game Journalists
You
Notable Losses:
The brave challengers who soldiered on for hours at the cost of their souls
Inconclusive Matches:
Men of Reason (Stopped playing after defeating Tigger)
