Board Thread:Vs Thread/@comment-35230176-20180904092314/@comment-34890725-20180905033153

AHA! ELLIS!
 * "Do you know what "suck the heads" means? 'Cause I came down here with Keith once, and he didn't know, and― I mean, it ain't nothin' bad. It's about eatin'―"
 * Nick: "Ellis? Is now the best time?" / "Ellis, Ellis! We don't have time for this right now!"
 * Rochelle: "Ellis, sweetie, can this wait?"
 * Coach: "We ain't got time for this, Ellis."
 * Ellis: "Okay."
 * "My buddy Keith tried camping out on top of a building once. He was shooting crows, but the police were too busy teargassin' him to ask what he was doin' up there. He screamed for an entire year every single time he opened his eyes! Oh, man! At first, it was funny; then it just got sad, but then it got funny again! Oh, man!"
 * "Man, I love malls. I do. Once, I was in this mall, up in Atlanta, and these guys were dancing for like money and stuff and my friend Dave and I was all..."
 * Note: In the German version Dave is replaced with Keith, but in the English version he does mention Dave. However, it is only in this particular story.


 * "Jimmy Gibbs Jr. is "The Man." I mean, I don't know anybody like that, man. But there was this guy I knew, he raced dirt tracks, not stock cars but open-wheeled cars, you know, and he was racing once and a goat..." (Survivors interrupt) "Okay, but there was a goat."
 * "I knew this guy who was trying to set the world record on staying on a Ferris wheel. He'd been up there for, like, two days or something, and he wanted some beer, but they weren't givin' him any. So he got this rope―and don't ask me where he got the rope from― "
 * "I ever tell you about the time me and Keith made a homemade bumper car ride with ridin' mowers in his backyard? Mower blade wounds over 90% of his body. I didn't run him over, either; he somehow managed to fall under his own."
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drowned in the Tunnel of Love? You wouldn't think it could happen 'cause the water's so shallow, but that's how it gets you, man. Overconfidence. Keith was with his lady at the time, and he was yellin' for her to save him, but she didn't want to get wet."
 * "I ever tell you about the time me and Keith snuck a paintball gun on a rollercoaster? I never heard'a anybody else doin' it, so I thought we might'a invented a sport, so Keith called the patent office, but―"
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith fell out the rollercoaster? Yeah, he didn't drop far, mind you, just onto the tracks, but the carnival people wouldn't stop the ride 'cause all the other people paid good money and Keith snuck on for free, so he had to dodge for, like, 20 minutes or so."
 * "I ever tell you about the time Keith and I made fireworks? Now, I didn't know shit about chemistry, but Keith figured "Gasoline burns, doesn't it?" Heh, third-degree burns on 95 percent of his body. Man, people in the next city over were calling to complain about the smell of burning skin."
 * "I ever tell you about the time Keith tried to deep-fry a turkey? Third-degree burns over 90 percent of his body. His doctor called up, like, other doctors to look at him cause they'd never seen burns on top of existing burns―"
 * "Man, all this mud reminds me of my friend Keith. Yeah, he was goin' to build a shack once, to live in and all, and I know most people here, they build houses and they become shacks, but Keith, he was about jumpin' right to the shack stage. But he had no wood. So he got some mud and was makin' what we were all thinkin' was gonna be these adobe bricks, you know, like when them people out West made bricks and shit? Well, he had mud and..."
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith got rolled by a gator in a swamp? Man, he didn't agonize it or nothin', we were just tryin' to grab two so we could piss 'em off and get 'em into a fight. Well, anyway, the third time Keith went under, I realized something was wrong, so I―"
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drove his car off a cliff, broke both his legs? It's not a funny "ha-ha" story so much as it's a make-you-think story. For instance, windshields look pretty durable, right? Not the case, according to Keith. Son of a bitch flew right through that sucker―"
 * "Man, I ain't never been in a sugarcane field before. I mean, I've seen 'em an' all, but I've never had any reason to go in one. Now, you go in a peach grove, and you find all kinds of cool shit! Like this one time, I was in a―" {Alternate line} " I've never been in a sugarcane field before. I mean, I've seen 'em an' all, but no real reason to go into one, but now you go to a peach grove you find all sorts of cool shit. This one time, I was in a―"
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith and I were on the top of a burnin' building, and we had to fight our way down like five floors of zombies and― Hey, wait a second...I guess that was you guys. Oh, shit, man, I can't wait to tell Keith about that one!"
 * "Did I ever tell you guys about the time me and Keith filled up water balloons with our own―"
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith fell down an open manhole? He was unconscious down there for like a week. Durin' that time, unbeknowst to Keith, they paved over him. Keith had to―"