Dick the Face



"This is Dick. He is my bravest warrior, and my greatest compatriot. He shall accompany me in each of my long and ardous battles, never showing disloyalty despite the odds.

All is irrelevant before his might. Time itself has no meaning in Dick. Praise him. Revere him. That is all."

- Exempt from the memoirs of the Crabwhale Oversoul

Summary
Dick the Face, also referred to as the Emoji Bastard, is Crabwhale homoerotic pillow and his greatest meme warrior for the foreseeable future (sorry Doggo).

Dick was conceived by an immortal race of terrifyingly unfunny beings called Trols approximately 10^34 years ago. He was a complete idiot in life, though his ignorance eventually caused him to achieve transcendence over the mortal plane via sheer dumness. From then on, he as known by many names, such as the LONGTHY ONE, Derk, and Fuccboi.

He eventually stumbled upon Crabs in a store, in which he had disguised himself as an ordinary Emoji pillow that Crabs purchased for the purposes of severe spanking action. Much was his surprise when the newly christened Dick came alive and began eating his fucking house. However, somehow seeing potential in this degenerate creature, Crabs took to house-training him.

After spending 28,000 years in the Hypertonic Lion Tamer (approximately 28 minutes IRL, figure out how that converts yourself), Dick became an acceptable enough individual to be shown to the world, although he is still worse than Triple X and the TheDarkSide combined and multiplied quadrillions of times over.

The reasons for why Crabs keeps this annoying creature around instead of vaporizing into hyper-super-duper nonexistence are unknown, though likely partly fueled by the fact that Dick has much meme potential in him. Whatever the case, JBW is stuck with this plague now, and is unlikely to be rid of it any time soon.

Powers and Stats
Tier: ULTRA SUPER SPESHIAL MASSIVELY OMNI-MEMETICALLY GOOD TIER YES SUPER YES

Name: Dick the Face, Derk, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! (Name used by Crabs when first encountering him)

Origin: Somewhere, possibly Somewhen

Gender: Um, male...obviously...

Age: Are seriously so lazy to scroll up that you have to see his age here too?

Classification: Emoji, Bastard, Filth, Thing, LONGTHY ONE, Fuccboi

Powers and Abilities: Depression Manipulation, Fire Manipulation (Causes Crabs to spontaneously burst into literal fire due to rage), Regeneration (True-EMEM; Survived being punted by Crabwhale), Immortality (Tyep 445638), Ability to eat most things and turn them into recordings of Michael Jordan saying "Stop it", Shapeshifting (Can turn into other emojis head things), Aura (Possesses a passive aura of cringe that pacifies enemies by skyrocketing their depression), Immunity to literally everything this profile possesses (Crabs tried all of his abilities on this sucker, resulting in all of them being shrugged off, causing him to revert to good ol' punching), and a lot of other stuff he barely ever uses due to being a aggressive masochist that prefers pain

Attack Potency: Unknown (Doesn't focus on direct destructive capacity), likely S T R O N G U S C A N C E R U S when using his Aura (Caused even an extremely bloodlusted Crabs to eventually stop punching him and take a break)

Speed: Pathetic (Barely ever moves), likely Omnipresent via Depression (His reach can be this great when at peak)

Lifting Strength: None (Emojis don't have arms. Also thinks that this stat is gay)

Striking Strength: No (Again, NO ARMS)

Durability: Really Fucking High (Can withstand severe punch for extended periods of time)

Stamina: As long as his Cola lasts

Range: Pillow range, Internet range via stealing Crabs' laptop

Standard Equipment: ❤

Intelligence: Extremely Questionable (As in, more worrisome at times than even this guy)

Weaknesses: Pepsi, punching (Though only because he allows it), his own masochism

Trivia

 * When asked what the Hell he is, Dick simply responded with: "I am not"


 * Dick simply appears as an emoji pillow thing to maximize pissing-off potential.


 * Dick prefers Coca-Cola. This is one of the many reasons Crabs wants to die.


 * You may be wondering how the quote on this page even makes sense when Crabs absolutely fucking hates this little bastard. Your guess is as good as mine, but it's probably cause he has no friends.


 * This entire page is actually an ass talking out.


 * If you're reading this you are gay.


 * What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...

Others
Notable Victories:

Notable Losses:

Inconclusive Matches: